The Hope of a New School Year

The first day of school photos are on social media, being texted to family members, e-mailed to grandparents, printed for scrapbooks.  Their backpacks are new, full of freshly sharpened pencils and unused crayons with that old familiar smell.  Their outfits are new, planned out the night before; there’s a trace of excitement and anxiety in their smiles; maybe even a little frustration at having to pause and take the annual first day of school photo.

The first day of school brings hope for the new school year, whether it’s the kindergartner ready to make new friends, the fourth grader ready to be a ‘big kid’, the middle schooler headed for a new school building or the high school senior starting his last year at school and at home…

New adventures, new experiences always bring a certain level of anxiety (a mixture of fear and of anticipation of the unknown).  Along with that anxiety is a  bit of hope, hope that things will go well, hope that the change will be a good one. The kindergarten hopes they won’t miss their parents too much, the fourth grader hopes that math won’t be too hard, the middle schooler hopes for a fresh start and the senior hopes for answers to their future.

There will also be many first day of school photos this year that will bring a level of sadness, of yearning or regret.  A child has died, no more photos chronicling their milestones.  A father or mother has died and though the photos may be taken, there’s a shadow of sadness, the hope isn’t as obvious on their first day of school faces. But there is a trace of hope there too; going back for another school year, beginning the routine and structure of the school day, time spent with friends, turning the brain’s focus to abstract thinking and ideas, going back to school helps the grief, the sadness. 

Starting a new year seems to happen more in September than in January for most families.  Whether it’s new to school itself, a new grade level or a new building, the fresh start, the beginning again, helps us all get back on track.  For grieving families, despite the yearning and touch of sadness, the surge in grief, the new school year brings some sense that life will and does go on. Though our loved one may be gone from our day to day lives, the memory of their first day of school, the thought of what they would have to say as the school bus pulls up or the reminder once again - and still - of how much they are missed and loved brings them back to us, over and over again, first painfully, then with a bitter sweetness and then, maybe, with a warm, loving smile.

Enjoy the new school year, begin again, keep hope in your hearts.

Another Riff on Gratitude

We received a very generous donation at Children’s Grief Connection this week - generous enough to fund a family of four to attend Hearts of Hope Family grief camp.  We are very grateful and no doubt so will the grieving family be.  We would like to thank this person but cannot; this was an anonymous donor.

I understand and appreciate anonymity in giving.  I understand being concerned about getting on the ‘donor list’ of a charity and being barraged with future requests for everything from a silent auction item, buying tickets to a fundraiser, or being asked to consider planned giving opportunities.  As a donor to various charities myself I know the amount of requests I get throughout the year and especially at the end of the year.  I too sigh and weigh out whether I can give again or give more.  And as the leader of a charity -  the ‘fundraiser in chief’ -  I understand the need is great.  I know about not having the funds to do all that can be done for our families, and I understand the bottom line too, there’s only so much to go around. 

I can also appreciate the act of giving without expectation of recognition. St. Francis of Assisi taught us: For it is in the giving that we receive.  While I appreciate the humility of giving without expectation I also know the gratitude and desire to express it when I receive someone’s gift, in whatever form that takes.

I was a volunteer first responder for a number of years and often sat with families after a crisis, waiting for news, or having received the worst news possible.  In their glazed over look, still in shock, they always managed to muster up a thank you to the men and women who came to help, even if we weren’t successful.  Many times the first responders would be visibly uncomfortable as the family attempted to show their gratitude, to say thank you to the brave men and women who were doing their best to help their family. Often the first responders would reply with some form of ‘it’s all part of the job’ or ‘that’s why we’re here’ or ‘no problem’ - the only problem was the look on the family’s faces as their show of gratitude was discounted or denied; they needed their gratitude acknowledged. First responders don't volunteer for the gratitude, they give to their community, and in that giving they receive a greater sense of community, a comfort in knowing they have helped someone.  The first responders are also all too aware of the long road of grief ahead for these families, their job is done and the family’s has just begun.  There is an uncomfortableness with gratitude knowing how little they have done compared to what lies ahead for the family to do. Perhaps the best reply to their ‘thank you’ might be a simple ‘You are welcome’. Gratitude given and received, even under the worst of circumstances.

Under the best of circumstances, receiving a gift, a donation of money, of time, of volunteerism, deserves recognition, not only for the sake of the giver, for the sake of the receiver.  So, to our anonymous donor, thank you, so much, for your generosity and your caring for a grieving family with your support of Children’s Grief Connection.

Three Good Things

So Facebook has this 'challenge' called the "Gratitude Challenge" where you are challenged by a friend to list three things you are grateful for each day for five days and post them to Facebook. Initially I rejected the idea thinking- I practice gratitude every day, do I really need to 'go public' with it? In fact my 'challenger' friend led her challenge with the statement that I do not need any help counting my blessings. I still wondered: Do others really want to hear what I am grateful for?
I accepted the challenge because I liked the words of William Arthur Ward who said "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it."  I also thought the only challenge about finding things to be grateful for is the challenge of remembering to post something on Facebook every day!

Turns out posting my gratitudes has been so easy and so reassuring that I don't want the challenge to end... The gratitude posts of my Facebook friends have been a delight to read. Some are beautifully written, some are poetic (literally - Haiku gratitudes), so many are insightful and spiritual. Some of the posts are bittersweet, for those who have lost a loved one.  Being grateful for the days you spent together hardly fills the emptiness of the days since they've been gone. Finding gratitude in memories can be a stretch...

This challenge reminds me of an activity we do at Hearts of Hope Family Grief Camp. Once pajamas are on, teeth are brushed and, if you're lucky, Karen has serenaded you with her guitar, campers, of all ages, are encouraged to take a few deep breaths and then think about three good things that happened that day.  Doesn't have to be big, huge things, it's the little things that are good.  The yummy mashed potatoes for dinner, meeting a new friend, hearing a favorite song. The activity is based on research that proved if you spend a week thinking of three good things your level of happiness increases and depression decreases (Seligman, Peterson & Steen, 2005). The study showed this effect can last as long as six months.

In the same study the researchers had participants write a letter of gratitude to someone who had been kind to them, even if they didn't know them personally. Again this activity significantly increased the
happiness index (they actually have ways of measuring happiness) and decreased depression (using the diagnostic Beck Depression Inventory). During the last sharing circle at Hearts of Hope everyone writes a thank you note to whoever it was that helped them get to camp. To their funeral director, their school social worker, their mom or a general thanks to one of our generous donors.  I've had the pleasure of hand-delivering one of those notes to an 'anonymous' donor and believe me the level of happiness increases for the recipient of a gratitude note as well as the writer.

Maybe Facebook figured out what we did at Hearts of Hope - being grateful for the good things and letting people know about it really can make you happier and less depressed, we like to say it 'brings hope and healing'.  What are you grateful for? Who do you want to tell?

Reunions

Summers are full of reunions....class reunions, family reunions - people reuniting, "coming together again after a long absence".  Funerals and wedding are reunions too, a gathering of family and friends to witness life's milestones.

Gathering, reuniting, congregating, meeting up...it is in our nature to want to connect with those we love and care about. Finding our 'people' in order to reminisce and remember, to support and affirm us, to laugh and cry together - in doing so we find comfort, solace, ease - we find ourselves.  When the world is spinning our of control there is something about a reunion that grounds us, brings us back to who we are, where we come from, who we come from.

This summer celebrated the twenty-year reunion of Camp Heartland, a camp for kids affected by HIV that my family was a part of for twelve of those years.  It was fun to see the photos of the now-adult faces of those scared but oh-so-brave campers and to see the then-college-student counselors' partners and children.  I yearned to get the hugs, meet the family members and hear the what-have-you-been-up-to? stories, to remember the campers not there, but in spirit.  Life happens though (I  was at the birth of my sweet grandson) and I didn't get a chance to attend the reunion, to reunite, at least not this time...

This summer Hearts of Hope Teen Retreat campers will get a chance to reunite. This reunion is inspired by those teens who showed up at a grief camp hanging behind their family, with gritted teeth and rolling eyes, not AT ALL excited to be there - and by the end of the retreat, they don't want to leave! Going home, back to their 'normal' lives knowing they had met and spent time with other teens who 'got it'.  Who got what it felt like to have a parent die, a sister or a best friend.  Teens who connected with the stories they told, memories they shared and cried and laughed about (yes, there's lots of laughter at a grief camp). We are planning on reuniting those teens on August 8 & 9 at Camp Esquagama near Virginia, MN - call our office 218-372-8420 for more details.

And just like any reunion, once the last piece of watermelon is eaten, the last homecoming game story is told, once all the memory have been shared or the bridal bouquet begins to wilt, we yearn.  Yearn to be there again, to go back, to re-live the moments. We yearn to see the people we love one last time, we yearn for the life that was...

But even if we could go back, even when we do reunite, it's never quite the same - it can't be.  Life is constantly changing and often unfair, life is full of regrets and full of hope, life causes us to curse sometimes and pray more often at other times, life is full with memories and full of dreams - the stuff of reunions - AND life is right now, what is happening in this moment that will make up the stuff of future reunions - be sure to live it fully.

My hope is...

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director, Children's Grief Connection

At Hearts of Hope family grief camp our cuddly mascot teddy bear named "Hope" passes around slips of paper that say:                 
                          My hope is...

Blank slips meant to be filled in with words, wishes, thoughts, feelings, hopes for what the future may bring now that someone in their life has died.

Hope is defined at Hearts of Hope Camp as: the feeling that everything is going to be okay. Not great, maybe not even good... for awhile.

It's hard to think anything will be great again now that hearts are broken by death, but being okay, having hope, that seems possible.

And so "Hope" collects My hope is... slips in her big white basket. She holds them like a penny in a wishing pool, keeping the hopes and wishes of grieving children and families safe and sacred. 

Slips of hope that read:

My hope is... people can accept me the way I am, even with all my flaws.

      or

My hope is.... to not be scared of dying.

      or 

My hope is...to live with happy memories of my dad.

Death may take away our loved one, it may change our lives in big ways we're not sure we can cope with and in little ways we never imagined until we had to live on without them.  Life is hope and the death of someone we love doesn't have to take that from us.

This blog is about hope, about living life with hope, with gratitude and kindness. It's about people, places, things that inspire.  It's about trust, trust in the goodness of people and their ability to find hope...to know things will be okay. My hope is...these postings bring comfort, understanding, humor, joy and a little bit of healing to the hearts of all who read them.