By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection
"Children are most likely to adjust well after trauma when their parents are able to cope effectively, communicate openly and begin to enjoy life again." Treating Trauma and Traumatic Grief in Children and Adolescents - J. Cohen, A. Mannarino & E. Deblilinger
This quote has been a guiding light during our transition from a children and teen grief camp to a full family grief camp. The term trauma is used mostly to signify big horrific events, like 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina. When you’re a child, the death of your parent or sibling is a big horrific event. Childhood trauma is defined as “a single or multi-experience event threatening actual or perceived survival, of either the child or the child’s primary caregiver, overwhelming the child’s physiological, emotional and cognitive development and responses.”
Having your parent die threatens your survival - imagine the questions and concerns a child has when dad has died: Who will take care of me? How we will eat (Dad makes the money to buy groceries)? Mom can’t live without Dad – she said so at the funeral, Will she die too? Who will protect us? When a sibling dies: It happened to my sister, could it happen to me too? Will mom and dad and my life ever be normal again?
Our November Hearts of Hope Family camp brought together children who’s dad died in a helicopter crash, and whose dad and sister died in a car crash. We had a family who were grieving the loss of four miscarriages and stillbirths, and the death by ‘unknown causes’ of their older sister. We had a five year old and an eight year old who came to remember and heal the suicidal death of their father and mother, respectively. We had deaths that made television news, deaths that effected whole communities and excruciatingly private isolating deaths. These were traumatized children and teens trying to adjust to life without their loved one; ninety percent were referred by their funeral directors. Only this time, the whole family was coming to stay; the adults would also experience the hope and healing of Hearts of Hope camp.
Friday evening found them greeted by a team of incredibly committed and compassionate companions in grief. Each volunteer willing to share their own grief journey and experience, wearing a nametag that tells their grief story and connects them to campers and family members. With smiley face stickers symbolizing who died, every person at Hearts of Hope shares the universal experience of having a loved one die and knowing the journey isn’t over when the funeral ends. These hope-filled volunteers know the grief road and they also know the hesitation and anxiety that enters the room on Friday night will be transformed by Sunday morning. So they welcome, they cheer, they play games and ‘break the ice’ of that anxiety.
Saturday morning finds the kids and teens ready to launch into the day’s activities while hesitation and anxiety still lingers for their family members. As their children go off with counselors to begin activities of fun and remembrance, filling their day with sharing circles, memory-box making, tie-dying and candle lighting, the family members embark on a similar experience. Learning to cope through small group Sharing Circles, talking to others who share their concerns, questions, pains and progress. Spending time making stress balls, learning relaxation skills, drumming and the importance of self-care gives them hands-on coping activities. Hearing progress in the Shared Experiences panel of widows, suicide survivors, and parents whose children have died, being able to ask ‘How did you get here, ten-years later?’ or ‘How did you handle the teachers at school?’. To communicate openly with fellow travelers on the grief journey gives a sense that the road is long but doesn’t have to be lonely; others are there with you. Ending the day with the sacredness and solemnity of the candle lighting circle as the room brightens with their ‘hope for the future’ that each individual candle’s light brings.
Sunday morning when the families reunite with their children the ‘magic’ of Hearts of Hope continues on stage. They see their children have had an emotional roller-coaster ride of laughter and tears, of fun and sadness, of joy and anger they clearly also have shared hope and healing. During the closing ceremony the adults break into the camp song and watch their children perform skits bringing new life and lots of laughter to their family. Finally, the balloon release allows them to stand together and send up a piece of love, anger, forgiveness, a wish or a prayer that the trauma they have experienced, the death of their loved one, is beginning to shift, things have changed but they are still a family.
As they leave the family now has experiences of time spent with others their own age who share their journey, they learned their feelings are okay and there are ways to cope with those feelings, that people will listen, questions have been asked and answered by funeral directors, doctors and grief professionals, they’ve made friends, shared their hopes, laughed through their tears and found a little joy in life again. Families now have the connection of time spent together at Hearts of Hope to take them further along that grief journey, not as individuals but as a family. Together they have found hope and healing. Hearts of Hope is blessed to share their journey.
