A life was saved...

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

 

We know we have a profound impact on grieving children.  Our mission is to bring hope and healing to those children and that was more than evident throughout this past weekend as we gathered to greet a small but very traumatized group of children and teens who had their loved one die recently.  There were several families struggling with suicide, one with a murder-suicide.  There were six children grieving the loss of a brother and friend in a car accident.  There were three teen boys coping with the suicide of their classmate and best friend.  There were deaths from heart attacks and cancer, mothers, fathers, grandmothers -  and there were grieving volunteers, adults who took their time, energy and courage to meet these children at the soft spot in our hearts that hurts most when our loved one dies, the spot where hope and healing starts.

We know it from the messages of hope and healing that were collected in our mascot Hope the bear’s big white basket: “my hope is that nobody else dies in my family” “my hope is to have a good future” “my hope is that Thanksgiving and mom’s birthday will be wonderful” “my hope is to move on in life and stop using my mother’s death as an excuse to not try to be who I truly want to be”.

We know it from the Love and Anger wall with messages of love: “I miss your ‘magic’ kisses” and “you were the best – in the whole world” and messages of pain on the Anger Wall: “WHY? I loved you” “I hate what you did but I love you”.  We know it in the candle lighting - in the darkened room, heart shaped candles ablaze - we share memories and say our goodbyes. 

As the room lights up with the warm candle glow, we give permission for young and old alike to shed tears, to express pain, laughter, hope and love.  Maybe it was the candlelighting, or the sharing circle just before, maybe it was in the questions the doctor and funeral director answered, or in the caring and concern her volunteer counselors provided.  Whatever it was, a beautiful ten year old girl who had delighted everyone with her smile and her kindnesses; shared with her counselors how much pain she was in.  At her young age she had a plan to end her pain; she laid out in detail how she intended to end her young life because the emotional pain of her loss was too much for her tender heart to bear.  With the help of Hearts of Hope she was able to write a letter to her mother about how she felt and what she’d planned.  As frightening as this experience was for all of us involved, the hope lies in her being able to reach out and tell someone of her pain, her plan, knowing help was available to her.  Because of her being at Hearts of Hope camp she and her mother will now be able to get the help they need in the days and months and years ahead; a life was saved.

At Hearts of Hope camp our anger is left behind, our love remains and our hopes are carried forward.  It’s stories like hers that bring us hope…hope that our mission reaches more children and teens who hurt the way she did...

Letter from Taylor

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

 

We are very fortunate in that nearly every camp session there is someone who expresses how impactful and amazing their experience with Hearts of Hope was to them. Whether it is mother thanking 'us' for giving her children 'a transformation' or a volunteer who sees her 'calling' in the short 36 hours of camp time or the scribbly, jumbled letters in the words of a five year old who says she wants to 'come back every year' but is concerned whether or not 'somebody I love has to die first'. 

No matter who it is or how they express their gratitude and the importance of the work we do; we are always moved to tears, delighted and humbled by how these expressions make our mission come true - we are bringing hope and healing to Minnesota's grieving children. It is what we do; we do it well and we are very proud. 

Proud to have children like Taylor Schafbach tell us in her own words (and for the sake of other kids, like her, who may be afraid or uncertain about coming to a grief camp when their world is already full of grief because someone they love has died.) Not knowing what to expect, who will be taking care of them, what they're going to be doing are legitimate concerns; if the death was sudden and it is always unexpected, then the need to know about what's going to happen is an important and pressing concern for grieving children. Taylor recognized that in herself and at the very young age of ten realized that she could help other kids who would be in her spot one day to have an idea of what to expect from Hearts of Hope camp. They say there is grace in grief; there are good things that come out of bad situations; I believe Taylor and her compassion for other grieving kids like her is that grace. We thank her and her family and are honored to share it with you. 

View Taylor's letter here.

Meet Them Where They Are

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

We tell all our new camp volunteers, and remind some of the veterans, not to assume or presume, not to fix or fixate on the campers or teens but just to simply (not easily but simply) ‘meet them where they are.’  Approach them from wherever they are in their developmental growth, their grief process or their emotional journey, - not where we want them to be but to meet them where they are.  

I tell camper families that around 75% of our campers and teens don’t want to come to a grief camp, whether they think they’re going to ‘cry all weekend’ or ‘not make any friends’ whether it’s the first time they’ve slept overnight away from home or they would rather not talk about it at all, ever again; they are not ‘happy campers’ when they arrive.  I also tell the families that 95% of the campers and teens don’t want to leave on Sunday!

 

With just 36 short hours between first meeting them and saying goodbye, we are singing silly songs in the gym and then sharing their loved one’s story along with their tears and laughter, we are running from place to place and from activity to activity; mostly we are forming connections, understanding we are all experiencing grief and love for those we have lost. 

We tell the campers and teens all feelings are okay.  Sometimes they don’t want to share, or cry, or laugh, perhaps they just don’t want to be away from home, away from their family or friends, that’s okay.  Sometimes they don’t want to drum or be in a skit; sometimes making a memory project is not what they feel like doing, that’s okay. It’s okay because there is always something, someone, some activity that they do enjoy - if we meet them where they are, accept their feelings and help them work through their fears and concerns; they move forward in their grief, we bring hope and healing.  

As helpers we work hard to get all the campers involved and participating in all the activities at camp and are concerned when they are particularly quiet or inattentive, refusing to participate, yearning to leave or anxious about the next thing on the schedule.  Most of the time, by camp’s end the transformation is obvious (the 95% who don’t want to leave) and there are those 5% who may not have connected, may not have enjoyed their time…and yet later, a phone call from a family member, a social worker, a teacher will let us know that despite what we may have thought we did make a difference,  despite what we thought, despite how it appeared, and because we always meet them where they are and accept their feelings, it all turns out okay, hope and healing does happen for 100% of our campers and teens.

More Fun and Frolic than Frigid - Winter Event a Huge Success

2011 Polar Plunge and Tuxedos and Tiaras

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

Well, to say a good time was had by all is a bit of an understatement that even these photos can’t fully express.  Our first annual (that’s right folks we had so much fun we’re going to do it again next year) Frigid Fun & Frolic was a huge success.  But you want to hear the stories behind the story???

The morning of March 5^th started out early when eight hardy Minnesotans showed up in their winter gear, cups of coffee steaming in one hand and various ‘ice’ tools in the other as Steve revved up the 36 inch blade with a magical ice cutting chain on his saw and went to work cutting through the 32 inches on Lake Waconia outside Lola’s Lakehouse.  Several hours later, and a mountain of ‘ice cubes’ placed by forklift, water – ice cold water – was rippling as the sun began to shine and the 2011 Polar Plungers began showing up, getting their t-shirts (and courage) on.  Promptly at 11am the mighty team of 25 made their way on the ice, but photos first, oh and the plunge was halted temporarily TO SCRAPE THE ICE OFF THE JUST CUT HOLE IN THE WATER!!  Once the shards of ice were cleared, one by one, with cheers and applause the plungers made their way into the freezing water, some hesitated, some back-flipped, cannon-balled and even belly flopped.  Some wore tiaras (in honor of the day, more on that later) or shorts and t-shirts (tie-dyed of course) or footie pajamas zipped to the neck, there was even a squad of the shirtless, local guys who saw our poster the night before and showed up, made a huge donation and removed one item off their bucket list. (We love those guys) 

No matter what they wore or how they went in to the water, EVERYONE was cold, and at the same time, warmed, by the spirit of those who came out and for the reason we were all there on a cold winter morning – to help grieving children.  An incredible $16,000+ was raised, far surpassing last year’s incredible goal and enough to fund an entire Hearts of Hope camp and teen retreat!  So who’s in for next year??????? 

With just enough time to warm up and get in a quick nap the day was far from over as the “elegant” part of Frigid Fun and Frolic was about to begin.  At Hubert’s in Target Center for the Tuxedos and Tiaras elegant pub crawl, the tuxedo t-shirts were lined up next to the rows and rows of tiaras ready for the ‘frolickers’ to begin.  Once tiaras were in place, corsages pinned on, a giant balloon arch awaited  a special ‘Prom Photo’ opportunity that no one missed.  

Once the crowd had gathered the announcement and crowning of the 2011 Frigid Fun and Frolic King and Queen Tim and Jenny Hoff was met with cheers especially after his royal proclamation to eat, drink and be merry.  When the King finished his proclamation request it was time to proceed, parade and promenade down First Avenue to the next royal establishment. O’Donovan’s doors were open for our grand entrance as once again the King proclaimed the establishment royal, the libations ready and the merrymaking continued.  Each stop and proclamation brought treasures to anyone lucky enough (these were Irish pubs after all) to have their name drawn (and nearly everyone was lucky) from the King’s treasure chest.  The frolicking commenced one more time as the bling-adorned throng made their way to the last stop of the evening, Kieran’s Irish Pub.  

  

Settling in, the King again proclaimed a royal thank you to all who made the night so regal and decreed the Imperial Auction begin.  Auctioneers Sal and Steve stepped up to entertain the crowd but not before everyone was reminded once again of why the evening was so important – one phone call – during all the last minute preparing and planning – from a bereaved mom – who’s little boy needed to come to camp –his daddy had died and she needed our help.  Thanks to the efforts and participation of the day’s event this mom and her little boy would be getting the help they needed.  

 

After hearing and being reminded of what the evening was all about the auction was amazing, with trips, sports tickets, hotel stays and even a personal song written (our King and Queen won this item and requested the songwriter attend and write the song about Hearts of Hope!).  Kieran’s managers donated a one-of-a-kind Guinness mountain bike AND an evening out with a charming Irishmen brought in four times the original ‘value’ !  The evening, the day, turned out to be more fun and frolic than frigid and helped raise over $22,000 to keep Hearts of Hope Camp and Teen Retreat going strong and provided free for all Minnesota’s grieving children.  You won’t want to miss out next year. 

Life is Precious, Even After Death

As appeared in the January issue of the MFDA Bulletin.

By Jerry J. Brown, Friend of the Funeral Service community and
a member of the Children's Grief Connection Board of Directors. 

In death, the life of one-beloved will never really leave the hearts and minds of those who forever reflect, remember, commune and revisit with tenderness, smiles and tears as the soft and filtered visions ebb and flow.

The sanctity of a life lived in quintessential kindness, elegance and love must be honored and revered in the mode and manner of the life incarnate.

The rites, rituals, traditions and ceremonies embodied in THE FUNERAL have prevailed since the dawn of humankind. Although many forms of funeralization have metamorphosed, returned and morphed again with the relentless “March of the Millennia,” one phenomenon endures and transcends the shock, paralysis and sadness evoked by the death of one beloved. . . simply, to finally say “goodbye” with the love, gratitude and respect commensurate with the life now stilled forever.

Ergo, in the context of a changing profile vis-à-vis, the funeral experience, we now must deal with the emergence of “Home/Do It Yourself Funerals.” These are people who decry the need for licensed, certified college graduates who comprise the legions of Funeral Professionals and maintain that “THEY” – the uninformed and unprepared can “Go Green!” and, with slabs of dry ice, candelabras, boom-box background funeral tunes and post-visitation coffee and cookies, can orchestrate, choreograph and conduct home funerals – sans licensed professionals – with all of the panache, pomp and circumstance of a real funeral (health hazards notwithstanding) and professional licenses be damned.

Personally, I would like to ask these same “green wannabe undertakers” a question or two:

- Would you consider hopping into an airplane if the pilot (driver) had never

flown before and had no FAA license?

- Would you go to a cardiologist who was still “just practicing” and had never been to med school and thought the Hippocrates Oath was a swear word?

- Would you enroll in a series of college courses where the professors had never finished the 6th grade?

Would you go to a plastic surgeon that had never advanced beyond “playdough”?

Would you sign up for golf lessons if the instructor was a SUMU wrestler?

Doubtful!

NOTE: Stay with what you know and get the licensed funeral professional to care for your beloved.

2011 Polar Plunge Videos