Suicide. Seven little letters that loom so large and so overwhelming when the person you loved has 'committed' suicide. Even the word 'committed' that preceeds it, gives suicide the feeling its criminal. At one point in our history it was considered a crime, some faiths still believe it is a crime against God. Many survivors believe, as this camper does, that the pain is forever.At Camp Amanda we have seen more and more families impacted by suicide over the last year. Our belief is that suicide is not a crime that is 'committed' but rather suicide is completed, perhaps after several attempts. Suicide is not a choice; it is precipitated by an illness, sometimes diagnosed, sometimes not, but an illness just the same. Suicide occurs when the brain chemistry is altered so significantly that the person doesn't feel they have a choice but to end their misery, and possibly believe they are also ending their loved one's misery.
According to the Executive Director of Suicide Awareness Voices in Education (SAVE) Dan Riedenberg, suicide is rising consistently each year and it continues to hold families in confusion, in chaos and in the grip of stigma and isolation.
The big 'why?' question looms even greater than usual when the death is due to suicide. Sometimes we know - years of struggling with a mental illness bring our loved ones to a point where leaving outweighs living. Sometimes we have no idea, no clues or hints, or we didn't recognize them as that but somehow believe we 'should' have known. And if we know why we wonder why they chose to use a gun, or pills, or a rope. Confusion compounded.
There is always a level of chaos after the death of a loved one. The chaos that suicide causes in individuals, the family and the community circles round and round until it feels as if there is a vortex that sucks all the life out of individuals, families and communities, literally and figuratively. Individuals wonder: if they didn't want to live with me maybe I should be dead too. Family members wonder: who will be next? Communities wonder: will there be 'copycats'? Chaos continued.
In the last week I've spoken to three families about the suicides in their lives, the confusion, the chaos. A grandmother of three young children who's father, her son, after suffering for years with depression leaves behind children who don't understand. "How do we tell them? What do we say?" The desire to protect them from the confusion and chaos is more intense. Yet if they aren't told, in words they understand, children under the age of 10 or 11 will 'magically' think up their own explanations, reasons or words for what has happened. By overhearing adult conversations, watching adult reactions and their own intuition they will draw conclusions with limited understanding and information that quite often is far worse or wrong. With the abstract thinking skills of children over the age of 10 or 11 they process much more and if they don't have an opportunity to speak frankly about what happened and the 'what ifs' that this new way of processing brings them they will seek information from peers, the Internet or the world; information that quite often is far worse or wrong.
I spoke with an aunt who struggles to help her barely adolescent neice through the suicide of her older brother, the boy she idolized who hung himself in the room next to hers. She's acting out, acting like she's twenty-something, acting like she's in control of her life...and death. "How do I make my grieving brother and his wife see how my neice is spiraling out of control? How do I tell them she's talked about suicide on her MySpace page? How do I get her to see she needs help?" The isolation and stigma suicide causes in surviving adolescents can be overwhelming. Thoughts of suicide, of joining the one they love, of being idolized in death more than in life, combine to confuse and create more chaos.
And just today, a young wife, who survived her husband's two previous deployments to Iraq, survived his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms of nightmares, impulsive behaviors and threats but isn't sure she will survive his suicide. "How could he do this? How could he survive Iraq and not want to live? How can I be proud of his service and ashamed of him at the same time? How can I stop feeling like I want to die too?" PTSD-related suicides of servicemen and women from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are higher than in any other war fought in history. Researchers are studying this phenomenon and will have some results soon. In the meantime families are in deep pain and suffering. Finding others who are asking the same questions, feeling the same feelings and struggling with the same pain can ease the confusion and chaos. In finding a community of others - who have 'been there' - and can offer solutions, suggestions or support, it takes the weight of those heavy questions and lightens them, takes the veil of secrecy and stigma off to reveal some light, some hope in what can feel like a hope-less situation.
Bringing hope and healing is our mission. This is sometimes misunderstood. We cannot and do not heal or cure or fix grief. We do not answer the why or even most of the how questions of confusion and chaos that surround those who grieve the death of a loved one, by suicide or cancer or accident or old age. In gathering together with others who have experienced the death of a loved one we find we are not alone, there is hope. In lighting candles or making scrapbooks, sharing our memories of love with others we find love never dies, there is hope. And it is the hope that brings the healing. Hope is defined as "to cherish a desire with anticipation", to hold dear the longing to look forward. And healing is defined as 'making whole or sound' or 'overcoming an undesirable condition'. Hope brings us to look forward toward a day or a time when we will be whole again or overcome our grief OR it will give us the desire to get through our days in anticipation of what is yet to come - either way we move through. Through the confusion and chaos, the grief and all its reactions in our bodies, our emotions, our spirits, families, communities even our world.
If you have been affected by suicide, as nearly 87% of Americans have, know that there is hope and there is even healing. Organizations like ours, SAVE and many hospitals offer programs, resources, support and counsel - yours for the asking. Reach out...hope and healing are possible.
