My hope is...

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director, Children's Grief Connection

At Hearts of Hope family grief camp our cuddly mascot teddy bear named "Hope" passes around slips of paper that say:                 
                          My hope is...

Blank slips meant to be filled in with words, wishes, thoughts, feelings, hopes for what the future may bring now that someone in their life has died.

Hope is defined at Hearts of Hope Camp as: the feeling that everything is going to be okay. Not great, maybe not even good... for awhile.

It's hard to think anything will be great again now that hearts are broken by death, but being okay, having hope, that seems possible.

And so "Hope" collects My hope is... slips in her big white basket. She holds them like a penny in a wishing pool, keeping the hopes and wishes of grieving children and families safe and sacred. 

Slips of hope that read:

My hope is... people can accept me the way I am, even with all my flaws.

      or

My hope is.... to not be scared of dying.

      or 

My hope is...to live with happy memories of my dad.

Death may take away our loved one, it may change our lives in big ways we're not sure we can cope with and in little ways we never imagined until we had to live on without them.  Life is hope and the death of someone we love doesn't have to take that from us.

This blog is about hope, about living life with hope, with gratitude and kindness. It's about people, places, things that inspire.  It's about trust, trust in the goodness of people and their ability to find hope...to know things will be okay. My hope is...these postings bring comfort, understanding, humor, joy and a little bit of healing to the hearts of all who read them.

The Trauma and the Blessing of Hearts of Hope Family Camp

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

"Children are most likely to adjust well after trauma when their parents are able to cope effectively, communicate openly and begin to enjoy life again."  Treating Trauma and Traumatic Grief in Children and Adolescents - J. Cohen, A. Mannarino & E. Deblilinger

This quote has been a guiding light during our transition from a children and teen grief camp to a full family grief camp.  The term trauma is used mostly to signify big horrific events, like 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina. When you’re a child, the death of your parent or sibling is a big horrific event. Childhood trauma is defined as “a single or multi-experience event threatening actual or perceived survival, of either the child or the child’s primary caregiver, overwhelming the child’s physiological, emotional and cognitive development and responses.” 

Having your parent die threatens your survival - imagine the questions and concerns a child has when dad has died: Who will take care of me? How we will eat (Dad makes the money to buy groceries)? Mom can’t live without Dad – she said so at the funeral, Will she die too? Who will protect us? When a sibling dies: It happened to my sister, could it happen to me too?  Will mom and dad and my life ever be normal again? 

Our November Hearts of Hope Family camp brought together children who’s dad died in a helicopter crash, and whose dad and sister died in a car crash.  We had a family who were grieving the loss of four miscarriages and stillbirths, and the death by ‘unknown causes’ of their older sister.  We had a five year old and an eight year old who came to remember and heal the suicidal death of their father and mother, respectively.  We had deaths that made television news, deaths that effected whole communities and excruciatingly private isolating deaths.  These were traumatized children and teens trying to adjust to life without their loved one; ninety percent were referred by their funeral directors. Only this time, the whole family was coming to stay; the adults would also experience the hope and healing of Hearts of Hope camp.

Friday evening found them greeted by a team of incredibly committed and compassionate companions in grief.  Each volunteer willing to share their own grief journey and experience, wearing a nametag that tells their grief story and connects them to campers and family members. With smiley face stickers symbolizing who died, every person at Hearts of Hope shares the universal experience of having a loved one die and knowing the journey isn’t over when the funeral ends. These hope-filled volunteers know the grief road and they also know the hesitation and anxiety that enters the room on Friday night will be transformed by Sunday morning.  So they welcome, they cheer, they play games and ‘break the ice’ of that anxiety.  

Saturday morning finds the kids and teens ready to launch into the day’s activities while hesitation and anxiety still lingers for their family members.  As their children go off with counselors to begin activities of fun and remembrance, filling their day with sharing circles, memory-box making, tie-dying and candle lighting, the family members embark on a similar experience.  Learning to cope through small group Sharing Circles, talking to others who share their concerns, questions, pains and progress. Spending time making stress balls, learning relaxation skills, drumming and the importance of self-care gives them hands-on coping activities. Hearing progress in the Shared Experiences panel of widows, suicide survivors, and parents whose children have died, being able to ask ‘How did you get here, ten-years later?’ or ‘How did you handle the teachers at school?’. To communicate openly with fellow travelers on the grief journey gives a sense that the road is long but doesn’t have to be lonely; others are there with you. Ending the day with the sacredness and solemnity of the candle lighting circle as the room brightens with their ‘hope for the future’ that each individual candle’s light brings.

Sunday morning when the families reunite with their children the ‘magic’ of Hearts of Hope continues on stage.  They see their children have had an emotional roller-coaster ride of laughter and tears, of fun and sadness, of joy and anger they clearly also have shared hope and healing. During the closing ceremony the adults break into the camp song and watch their children perform skits bringing new life and lots of laughter to their family. Finally, the balloon release allows them to stand together and send up a piece of love, anger, forgiveness, a wish or a prayer that the trauma they have experienced, the death of their loved one, is beginning to shift, things have changed but they are still a family.  

As they leave the family now has experiences of time spent with others their own age who share their journey, they learned their feelings are okay and there are ways to cope with those feelings, that people will listen, questions have been asked and answered by funeral directors, doctors and grief professionals, they’ve made friends, shared their hopes, laughed through their tears and found a little joy in life again. Families now have the connection of time spent together at Hearts of Hope to take them further along that grief journey, not as individuals but as a family.  Together they have found hope and healing. Hearts of Hope is blessed to share their journey. 

Children’s Grief Connection Celebrates 10 Years with Expansion of Programs

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

Family Grief Connection programs grows into weekend

Back in January of 2003, the Minnesota Foundation for Children founded by the Minnesota Funeral Directors Association hosted its first Camp Amanda-Minnesota grief camp for kids. By 2007, when I had the honor of becoming executive director, Camp Amanda- Minnesota had served nearly 1,000 kids at 13 Camp Amanda-Minnesota sessions. In 2009, a name change to Children’s Grief Connection and Hearts of Hope camp ushered in a new organizational era as a leading resource for children’s grief programs in Minnesota. Approaching our tenth year we have held 27 camps serving more than 2,000 grieving children at Hearts of Hope camp and teen retreat, over 900 family members in Family Grief Connection, and thousands more in our Community Grief Connection programs. We are especially proud to be partnered the last two years with the Minnesota National Guard at their annual Gold Star Retreat for children and families of our fallen military. As we move into our next decade we continue to grow as a leader in children’s grief resources for the region. In January of this year the board of directors voted to expand our programs into the neighboring states of North and South Dakota and Wisconsin. We will host our first Wisconsin camp November 9, 10 & 11 in Trego, WI. ALL Minnesota families are welcome just as ALL Wisconsin, North and South Dakota families are welcome at our McGregor, MN camp on April 12, 13 & 14, 2013. This expansion allows us to continue to grow our partnership with funeral directors. Children’s Grief Connection is unique in that it is founded, funded and supported by funeral service; most grief camps are associated with hospitals, hospice or insurance companies. We are proud of our partnership and our ability to pro-mote funeral service. It is with that partnership in mind that we expand our Family Grief Connection programs to better serve the grieving adults you work with and care for every day. While their children and teens are attending Hearts of Hope camp and teen retreat, adult family members will now have an opportunity to attend a full day and a half of activities, support and sharing, giving them the tools to re-build their lives after the death of their loved one. With a program that reflects the activities of their children’s experience at Hearts of Hope camp, Family Grief Connection hopes to provide families with the connections that will help them move forward in their grief journey, together, as a family. This pilot program includes free lodging and meals for the weekend thanks to our partnership with Thrivent Financial and Thrivent Community. We are limited to twenty families. A $100 refundable deposit per family is required to reserve a space. While our growth and program changes are exciting one thing remains consistent; our mission to bring hope and healing to grieving families leads us today as it did over 10 years ago. The founding of our organization by funeral directors, the supportive partnership we continue today and in the future is based on that mutual mission. Thank you funeral directors, for 10 incredible years.

Jason's Camp Experience

If there were a geographical location called “Hearts of Hope Camp”, I would consider it sacred ground. In a similar way that I feel the presence of my creator when I join others in worship, I also feel a very physical presence when I am at camp. Sometimes it feels like Freedom and sometimes it would be better described as Fear. Sometimes I recognize it as Sadness, while other times it feels more like Complete Trust. One thing I know it to be. . . is REAL.

As Camp weekend approaches I get nervous. I begin to think about the kids I will meet, all with their own stories, all in the midst of their grief. I know from previous weekends, that Camp will be an amazing experience for them, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying. Will I have the words? Will I recognize their pain? Will I see beyond their mask? Will what I have to offer, be worth the risk to accept it?  I want so much for the kids to experience the healing and hope that Camp can bring, I’m afraid of failing them. I arrive at Camp with some fear.

The campers arrive each with their own style. For some this means ready and willing, for many it means suited in armor.  That armor has a purpose, and that purpose is protection. Many children have learned through the death of a loved one, that getting close to people only leads to pain, and pain is a very personal thing. Being vulnerable with others is a risk, but we know that only when we can share who we really are, can we truly get close with one another.

At Camp we share. We share jokes, we share tears, we share questions and we share our answers. We ride waves of laughter; we walk together through valleys of sorrow. It is amazing how quickly we all connect.  I believe this happens because at Camp, we create a place where it is completely safe to be exactly who we are. One of the foundations of Camp is, “All feelings are OK.” The campers connect as they recognize themselves in each other’s music, in each other’s questions, and in each other’s stories. I’ve heard from so many campers, “It is such a relief to be around other people who have been through what I have, who know just how I feel.”

As I think about Camp, and why it is such a turning point for so many children, I have come to understand that Camp is an amazing place for many reasons. The activities we do are purposeful and research based, the food is excellent, there is a variety of staff that all share the characteristic of having a heart for grieving children and Camp is always held at a place of natural beauty. However, the key ingredient for Camp being such an amazing and healing experience is the bravery of the campers. Their courage to lay down their armor, to tell their story, to let each other in, this is why Camp works.  It is the campers who, through their strength to be weak, create the atmosphere of complete acceptance and compassion.  It is truly awe inspiring to witness how they care for one another.

Will I return to volunteer at Hearts of Hope Camp? Absolutely. Will I have some fear next time I am preparing for Camp? Yes, but that is OK and it’s healthy. What I know I will find as I walk through the doors at the next camp is a bunch of friends ready to accept me exactly where I am. They will welcome me, exactly me, as we all prepare to walk beside the grieving campers we are so privileged to work with.  

A life was saved...

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

 

We know we have a profound impact on grieving children.  Our mission is to bring hope and healing to those children and that was more than evident throughout this past weekend as we gathered to greet a small but very traumatized group of children and teens who had their loved one die recently.  There were several families struggling with suicide, one with a murder-suicide.  There were six children grieving the loss of a brother and friend in a car accident.  There were three teen boys coping with the suicide of their classmate and best friend.  There were deaths from heart attacks and cancer, mothers, fathers, grandmothers -  and there were grieving volunteers, adults who took their time, energy and courage to meet these children at the soft spot in our hearts that hurts most when our loved one dies, the spot where hope and healing starts.

We know it from the messages of hope and healing that were collected in our mascot Hope the bear’s big white basket: “my hope is that nobody else dies in my family” “my hope is to have a good future” “my hope is that Thanksgiving and mom’s birthday will be wonderful” “my hope is to move on in life and stop using my mother’s death as an excuse to not try to be who I truly want to be”.

We know it from the Love and Anger wall with messages of love: “I miss your ‘magic’ kisses” and “you were the best – in the whole world” and messages of pain on the Anger Wall: “WHY? I loved you” “I hate what you did but I love you”.  We know it in the candle lighting - in the darkened room, heart shaped candles ablaze - we share memories and say our goodbyes. 

As the room lights up with the warm candle glow, we give permission for young and old alike to shed tears, to express pain, laughter, hope and love.  Maybe it was the candlelighting, or the sharing circle just before, maybe it was in the questions the doctor and funeral director answered, or in the caring and concern her volunteer counselors provided.  Whatever it was, a beautiful ten year old girl who had delighted everyone with her smile and her kindnesses; shared with her counselors how much pain she was in.  At her young age she had a plan to end her pain; she laid out in detail how she intended to end her young life because the emotional pain of her loss was too much for her tender heart to bear.  With the help of Hearts of Hope she was able to write a letter to her mother about how she felt and what she’d planned.  As frightening as this experience was for all of us involved, the hope lies in her being able to reach out and tell someone of her pain, her plan, knowing help was available to her.  Because of her being at Hearts of Hope camp she and her mother will now be able to get the help they need in the days and months and years ahead; a life was saved.

At Hearts of Hope camp our anger is left behind, our love remains and our hopes are carried forward.  It’s stories like hers that bring us hope…hope that our mission reaches more children and teens who hurt the way she did...

Letter from Taylor

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

 

We are very fortunate in that nearly every camp session there is someone who expresses how impactful and amazing their experience with Hearts of Hope was to them. Whether it is mother thanking 'us' for giving her children 'a transformation' or a volunteer who sees her 'calling' in the short 36 hours of camp time or the scribbly, jumbled letters in the words of a five year old who says she wants to 'come back every year' but is concerned whether or not 'somebody I love has to die first'. 

No matter who it is or how they express their gratitude and the importance of the work we do; we are always moved to tears, delighted and humbled by how these expressions make our mission come true - we are bringing hope and healing to Minnesota's grieving children. It is what we do; we do it well and we are very proud. 

Proud to have children like Taylor Schafbach tell us in her own words (and for the sake of other kids, like her, who may be afraid or uncertain about coming to a grief camp when their world is already full of grief because someone they love has died.) Not knowing what to expect, who will be taking care of them, what they're going to be doing are legitimate concerns; if the death was sudden and it is always unexpected, then the need to know about what's going to happen is an important and pressing concern for grieving children. Taylor recognized that in herself and at the very young age of ten realized that she could help other kids who would be in her spot one day to have an idea of what to expect from Hearts of Hope camp. They say there is grace in grief; there are good things that come out of bad situations; I believe Taylor and her compassion for other grieving kids like her is that grace. We thank her and her family and are honored to share it with you. 

View Taylor's letter here.

Meet Them Where They Are

By Coral Popowitz, Executive Director of Children's Grief Connection

We tell all our new camp volunteers, and remind some of the veterans, not to assume or presume, not to fix or fixate on the campers or teens but just to simply (not easily but simply) ‘meet them where they are.’  Approach them from wherever they are in their developmental growth, their grief process or their emotional journey, - not where we want them to be but to meet them where they are.  

I tell camper families that around 75% of our campers and teens don’t want to come to a grief camp, whether they think they’re going to ‘cry all weekend’ or ‘not make any friends’ whether it’s the first time they’ve slept overnight away from home or they would rather not talk about it at all, ever again; they are not ‘happy campers’ when they arrive.  I also tell the families that 95% of the campers and teens don’t want to leave on Sunday!

 

With just 36 short hours between first meeting them and saying goodbye, we are singing silly songs in the gym and then sharing their loved one’s story along with their tears and laughter, we are running from place to place and from activity to activity; mostly we are forming connections, understanding we are all experiencing grief and love for those we have lost. 

We tell the campers and teens all feelings are okay.  Sometimes they don’t want to share, or cry, or laugh, perhaps they just don’t want to be away from home, away from their family or friends, that’s okay.  Sometimes they don’t want to drum or be in a skit; sometimes making a memory project is not what they feel like doing, that’s okay. It’s okay because there is always something, someone, some activity that they do enjoy - if we meet them where they are, accept their feelings and help them work through their fears and concerns; they move forward in their grief, we bring hope and healing.  

As helpers we work hard to get all the campers involved and participating in all the activities at camp and are concerned when they are particularly quiet or inattentive, refusing to participate, yearning to leave or anxious about the next thing on the schedule.  Most of the time, by camp’s end the transformation is obvious (the 95% who don’t want to leave) and there are those 5% who may not have connected, may not have enjoyed their time…and yet later, a phone call from a family member, a social worker, a teacher will let us know that despite what we may have thought we did make a difference,  despite what we thought, despite how it appeared, and because we always meet them where they are and accept their feelings, it all turns out okay, hope and healing does happen for 100% of our campers and teens.